One Step At A Time [Jasper]

[Alice Cullen]

Alice stood at the base of a huge pine tree, wringing her hands in anxiety and anticipation. This was the one conversation she had been avoiding since she returned from Florida a few weeks ago. It was the one conversation she knew would hurt the most if it went badly, but she knew it was unavoidable. She and Jasper had to talk about what happened in Florida, what Lexie had confessed to, and many other things that affected both of them. Her heart was heavy and scared even. That was not an emotion Alice was used to feeling, but she hoped it would pass soon enough so Jasper wouldn't feel it too. They had agreed through a few messages that they would meet here today to talk about everything they needed to as they were both finally ready. Alice wondered how ready she actually was to face her ex-husband that never cheated on her in the first place.

Okay, breathe... she reminded herself slowly. Jasper would be able to feel her every emotion and she knew that. So, she focused on the positive situations. For one, they were talking. That was a step up from not talking at all. She didn't hate him. Even though her reasons for originally hating him were now unjustified, she felt better that she didn't hate him at all. Taking an unneccessary breath, she refocused herself and began to feel better about the situation. As she waited for Jasper to arrive, she paced back and forth a little to keep her mind occupied. Hearing her ballet flats hit the ground below her in a gentle crunch, crunch, crunch pattern against the falling leaves, she felt relaxed.

[Jasper Hale]

Jasper did not want to leave the comfort of the Cullen Mansion. Jasper did not want to meet Alice. Jasper did not want to face his ex-wife after everything that had happened. Jasper did not want to be walking in the forest towards the mountains where Alice was waiting. Jasper did not want to reflect on any part of what had happened the last year of his life. Jasper wanted none of it. Despite all of these things Jasper did leave the comfort of his home, he was going to meet Alice his ex-wife, he was just about to be where Alice was waiting, and he knew that those dark memories would come flying back. It had been weeks since he had seen Alice, much less spoken to her, but the sickening truth was that they needed to talk.

They needed to face one another and figure out what was going on, and what to do. Jasper would not be leaving his family any time soon again and that meant that he would at least need to know how to behave around Alice. Especially as he considered the fact that Alice was going to be remarried soon to Evan. Jasper knew that he was about to reach Alice as he could hear her soft steps as she paced back and forth. He could tell that her feelings were a storm just like his own and Jasper could feel Alice trying to force herself to calm down. With a sigh of his own Jasper finished his walk leaving several steps between where he was and where Alice was pacing. “Alice.”

[Alice Cullen]

Alice continued to pace back and forth anxiously as she waited for Jasper to arrive. The feeling she had was worse than when she went to retrieve him from Florida because when she had gone to get him, he was still her cheated ex-husband. But now he was her innocent ex-husband that did nothing wrong in the first place. The leaves continued to crunch beneath her feet as she still paced back and forth for a while. She wondered how Jasper was feeling about all of this in the back of her mind. He had gone from guilty to vindicated through one confession. And then there was Evan. Alice knew that she her feelings had changed since she had brought Jasper home from Florida, but she still had not brought herself to face Evan yet.

One soft word brought her out of her never-ending train of thoughts. Her name. Called out in a soft voice that only she would recognize right away. She turned to see Jasper standing a few feet from her. Looking down, she saw the rut she had created in the ground by pacing back and forth, so she immediately halted what she had been doing and placed her little hands in front of her somewhat sheepishly. She knew that this was not normal behavior for her at all. Even her visions were clouded because of the amount of emotion that would be involved in this conversation. "Jasper," she replied softly, bringing down her emotions another notch so he wouldn't been bulldozed with everything she had inside her at that moment. "I...I am really glad you came."

[Jasper Hale]

Jasper really did not want to be there. As he watched Alice pace memories came back. Memories of him leaving and his reasons for leaving. By all rights he shouldn’t have left in the first place. He had felt almost cornered to do so, because Jasper needed to know what was so powerful that would get him to cheat on his wife. As it all came out Jasper had never cheated on Alice, he did not need to be ostracized by the family, he did not need to raise kids that were not his, he did not need to divorce Alice, and what had him the most at that moment was that he would not need to be there talking to Alice. Jasper had worked through the grief that it had caused, but he still had anger. Anger was something Jasper had become quite familiar with the past few weeks and it fueled him.

He was over the self pity, and the self doubt and had moved onto anger, anger that he allowed himself to be used, anger that he said yes to the divorce, anger to the doctors who kept him away from his family, and most of all anger to the woman that caused everything, Lexie. Alice finally stopped in her pacing when Jasper called her name. She looked down at the ground which caused Jasper to look as well and he realized that she must have been pacing for some time to cause an indention like she had. Alice held her hands in front of her something that Jasper knew to be habit as he continued to wait for her to speak. “Jasper, I…I am really glad you came.” Jasper nodded and said, “We needed to talk.” Although his tone sounded as if he had no inclination to have the discussion that was before them. Jasper could feel everything that Alice was and luckily it had been a few weeks for everything to work out. He would have had a hard time controlling things before but luckily now Jasper had been on the mend. "What did you want to talk about first?"

[Alice Cullen]

Alice knew from the tone in his voice that Jasper did not wish to have this conversation just as much as she didn't. This was one conversation she had been avoiding as long as possible because of all the inclinations it presented. Jasper had done nothing wrong. There had been no real, solid reason for their divorce to happen in the first place. Because of one person's huge lie, several people's lives had been royally screwed over, including her own. But more importantly, Jasper's. Everything he had loved was ripped away from him because of Lexie's lie. Alice was not one for revenge and never had been in her entire immortal life, but in this instance she wished she could bring Lexie back to life just to kill her with her own hands.

However, Alice brought her anger down in an instant whenever Jasper spoke again. His words spoke the truth that they both knew...this conversation, no matter how much either one of them wanted to avoid it, had to happen. When he asked her what she wanted to talk about first, Alice could barely put her own thoughts into coherent words inside her head. For once, she was thankful Jasper was not a mind reader like Edward. She pulled her thoughts together into some semblance of words before taking a small breath. Maybe we should start at the beginning," she suggested, hoping that if they could start somewhere, they would be able to work through all of the issues they had. "Perhaps talk about when I left for England...then go from there?"

[Jasper Hale]

Jasper waited as Alice seemed to think about where she wanted to talk about. He mulled over the emotions that he could feel from Alice and knew if he had been the Jasper of a few weeks ago it would have bothered him. What was keeping him remotely stable was his twin, Rosalie, and surprisingly his anger. But Jasper supposed anger was something that he was used to feeling and that was why it had little effect on him. He could control it to how he wanted it to be and Jasper loved the control that he had.

Jasper sighed when he heard Alice say, "Perhaps talk about when I left for England...then go from there?" Jasper scratched the back of his head and snorted out of pure habit, “I believed Crystal over you, you left for England to think things through, came back with another man that you are now engaged to. What next?” Jasper realized that sounded extremely harsh how he had worded things, but he had no desire to dance around things.

[Alice Cullen]

Alice watched Jasper scratch his head and snort, something he had always done out of pure and simple habit. That was something she knew about him that very few people did. She knew all his habits, quirks, and weaknesses as only a wife could know. In their entire relationship, Alice knew every detail about Jasper up until the last few months when she felt like she didn't know anything about anyone. Everything she had once thought she knew was ripped out from under her and she had no idea how to handle life without him, but she did the best she could and tried to keep her distance from him until now. When he replied, his wording was so harsh that it startled Alice for a moment. Jasper had never been so harsh, but she reminded herself of all he had gone through and dismissed it for the time being.

Digging back into her memory, she found what had happened next after she returned from England. It was something she did not ever want to repeat aloud again, but for the sake of the conversation she knew she had to. "Then Le...that girl announced she was pregnant with your children," she barely managed to say without contempt. "And once they were born, we tried to have some semblance of a friendship after our divorce...then you disappeared..." she trailed off, knowing that what happened next was all Jasper's explanation. She had no idea of what had gone on down in Florida other than the doctors tested some cruel experiments on Jasper that she would never have wished on him in the first place. She also chose not to mention Evan again as she knew it was sensitive for him to listen to her talk about being engaged to someone else, even though she had already decided in her heart to break off the engagement because her heart could not belong to him when it was still so full of remorse for what had happened.

[Jasper Hale]

Jasper knew that Alice was reading him the best that she knew how. Something he had to admit she had gotten well at over the decades of their marriage to one another. It had to have become extremely hard for her the last several months because of the creature that he had slowly transformed into, all because of one lie. Jasper felt the shock from Alice when he had spoke to her about the beginning of this mess for when she left to England. As Alice began to speak he would not need his gift to understand the contempt that his ex-wife had for Lexie. "And once they were born, we tried to have some semblance of a friendship after our divorce...then you disappeared..."

Jasper took in a breath to make the explanation as quickly as he possibly could, knowing he would go over information that Alice had already understood. “As you well know I went to Florida. I went to try and find a way to cure the blackouts if I ever met another reflector such as Lexie was. I had no intention to be gone longer then a couple of weeks, and as you can tell by my six months absence things did not go according to plan. Since I have been back I have made most of my apologizes and found out the two children that I have been raising are not mine.”

Jasper looked across the clearing to Alice, “We both know what has happened the last few weeks. We have spent most of the time avoiding one another, but that isn’t going to work forever Alice. I am not leaving again and we need to figure out what we are so that the family can finish moving on.” Jasper hated having to speak so much but he knew it had to be said. He once again waited to see what Alice would have to say.

[Alice Cullen]

Alice stood in the clearing, listening to Jasper talk about the time he had spent in Florida, knowing that it was the most horrible experience he had gone through. She wished that she could have spared him that and known the truth from the very beginning. In her head she had beat herself up over and over again for ever believing that he would cheat on her with a human like Lexie, much less ever cheat on her period. They had loved one another from the very beginning and had been inseparable. He knew her better than anyone in the world as she knew him. Edward had once said it was like they could read minds, only just each other's. "Jasper..." she said softly, taking one step in his direction. "I wish that none of that had ever happened."

And that was true. More than anything else in the world, she wished she could take back the last few months and make them go away like they never existed. All of the pain she had endured thinking Jasper had cheated on her, all the torture he went through at the hands of the doctors in Florida, and all of the regret she had for not believing in him in the first place were making her want more than anything to erase it all. "I don't want you to leave," she added softly, "but I do want to figure this out as much as you do." Alice stared at the space in between them, longing to just fill it and go to his arms, but she restrained herself so she would not overwhelm him. She let go of a little more of her true feelings, allowing Jasper to feel how much she still loved him and was still in love with him. But she was still afraid to say it in fear of running him off from her again. They had only just come this far and it had taken them weeks. She didn't want to start all over again.

[Jasper Hale]

Jasper spoke about his time in Florida and what had been discovered there after. He felt immense grief and guilt from Alice. He had an idea that she had those feelings directed towards him, or herself. Most likely the latter because Alice would blame herself for not being able to see what would happen. Part of Jasper’s anger flared slightly at that self pity or pity in general if Alice had that guilt directed towards him. As he had already decided he was done feeling guilty and sad. Jasper’s family needed him and he was done playing the self pity game and he refused to feel sorry for himself. Jasper would never be the weak link in the family again. Alice spoke his name softly and made a step towards him expressing that she wished it had never happened. Jasper nodded his agreement, “But the fact of the matter is that it did happen and we need to talk about it no matter how much we may hate being here at the moment.”

Jasper remained where he was standing and waited for a few moments as Alice seemed to have more to say and he was right. “I don’t want you to leave, but I do want to figure this out as much as you do.” Alice seemed to notice the space that was between herself and Jasper. He knew Alice too well and he could imagine several things that she was probably day dreaming about at that moment. Jasper would not allow himself to think that way at the present or in the near future, especially now when he and Alice had so much to discuss. Jasper went back to what Alice had said, “As I said Alice I have no intention of leaving Forks anytime soon.” Before Jasper could continue any further love began to mix with Alice’s guilt and other current emotions. Jasper took a moment to compose himself and remind himself of the promise that he had made a few moments ago. He looked across the distance between himself and Alice, “Am I to understand that to mean you want to have a relationship again?”

[Alice Cullen]

Alice knew that Jasper was right. They did need to talk about everything that happened, even if neither of them really wanted to. It was the right first step so that they could begin to rebuild everything that they had lost starting when Crystal demolished the trust they had spend decades building together. She was relieved to hear him reaffirm that he was not leaving Forks any time soon. As she looked at the space that was between the two of them, she began to wonder what to say next. There were only so many things you could say to your ex-husband that you were still in love with, but none of them were things she wanted to scare him off with. And without the help of her working visions, she could not see what their future was at the moment.

Her attention was caught by his forward question about wanting to have a relationship again. Looking into his familiar eyes, she wished for the first time in her existence that she could cry. She wanted to show an outward symbol of all she was feeling inside rather than just having Jasper feel everything she was in that moment. She nodded at first before speaking very carefully. "Yes, I do want to have a relationship again," she said slowly, not feeling the need to rush anything she said. "And I know that we have a lot of issues to work through and things to talk about, but it does not change the way I feel about you." Looking down at the space between them again, she took another tentative step forward. "You were innocent the whole time and none of us took up for you, especially me." Alice knew that had just one of their family members truly stood up for Jasper, they might have seen the truth earlier. However, she was not putting the blame on anyone because no one could have forseen what Lexie had done...not even herself.

[Jasper Hale]

Jasper waited in continued silence as Alice seemed to think about her response to his question. She did not seem to be hiding the fact that she still loved him. He found himself reflecting over everything that they had been through. If Alice did want to have a relationship again Jasper wondered if he could look past the hell of what had happened over the last year of his life. Jasper was still working through who he was now, and what he had rested on at the moment was a man that did not want to be seen as the weak link of his family. He wanted to live his life and move on the best way he knew how. As it was for Jasper at the present he was still having to work through his anger.

His anger towards Lexie, his anger towards the doctors in Florida, and even his anger towards Alice. Right then Jasper was not ready to have a relationship with Alice, and another truth was that he did not know if it would ever be possible. That was why when Alice admitted what he had already guessed he had known, Jasper found himself nodding his head. Alice began speaking that they had a lot of issues to work though but that it did not change how she felt towards him. She took a step towards him, “You were innocent the whole time and none of us took up for you, especially me.” Jasper thought back to the time when everyone thought he was guilty, even he had thought he had done the crime. That was where part of his anger towards Alice had come from. She had not believed in him.

Even in the darkest times of his life such as the time he had first met Alice, she had always believed in him. Jasper sighed and thought over his words carefully before he spoke knowing what he had to say would be hard to hear, “I understand that you still love me, I know probably better then anyone how you feel right now. I understand why you did the things that you did. I understand that you have put yourself on the line right now, and that you wish to have a relationship again. But there are two that you have to understand Alice.” Jasper took another breath to finish the harsh words that he still felt inside of him. “The first being that there is a part of me that still loves you and probably always will. The second thing that you have to understand is that I have to try and not hate you right now.”

[Alice Cullen]

Alice waited for what felt like eternity as Jasper thought through his reply to her confession that she still wanted to be with him. When he began to speak, she knew that it was not going to be good. As she stood there and listened, she felt her heart begin to fall. Knowing that she had put herself out there and her heart on the line again, she knew that what Jasper said was true about being the only one who really knew what she was feeling. But hearing that he was trying not to hate her absolutely tore her apart. If vampires could cry tears, she was certain she would have been by now. Taking a step back, she collected herself so that Jasper wouldn't be bulldozed by her emotions again.

"I...understand that you feel this way," she began, piecing her words together little by little in her head. "But at the same time, it hurts to even hear you say that you are trying not to hate me." Taking an uneccessary breath, Alice closed her eyes. She thought of the last year of her life; the arguement she and Jasper had about Crystal that started this whole downward spiral to where they were now. If she had just stuck it out and not left, she wondered what would have happened then. "I know I didn't believe in you, but there were reasons of which I feel you deserve an explanation," she said. "When I left for England, I was infuriated because you didn't believe in me when I knew there was something wrong with Crystal. But the entire time I was away, I was miserable because I missed you. And then I came home to find that Lexie was pregnant and claimed they were your children. I had no other evidence nor a vision to tell me it wasn't true. We parted in anger when I left for England, so I had no idea what to think when I came home." Looking at Jasper, she tried to let him feel the extent of her apology and the sincerity she was giving it in. "We all make mistakes and I know I made the biggest one of all when I allowed that human to make me believe you were ever unfaithful to me."

[Jasper Hale]

Jasper did his best to ignore the emotions flowing from Alice as he explained himself. He knew that Alice would be upset and he had somewhat braced himself for how the rest of the conversation could go. Jasper waited as Alice seemed to take a moment to rein in her emotions whether for his benefit or not, he couldn’t be sure. Alice began slowly as if she were trying to work things out as she spoke. Alice admitted that she understood he felt the way that he did, but that it hurt her that he was trying not to hate her. “Oh because it makes me feel my best when I’ve come to this emotion concerning a woman that I had loved for a century.” Jasper watched as Alice closed her eyes and seemed to retreat into her thoughts, most likely the memories of their old life. For a moment Jasper wished he had Edward’s gift to read other’s thoughts. It used to have been so easy for Jasper to read Alice even without his gift, but now things had become so twisted that he wasn’t sure if he knew her anymore.

"I know I didn't believe in you, but there were reasons of which I feel you deserve an explanation.” Jasper shrugged and he was slightly amazed at how nonchalant it felt, “You left because I did not trust your vision.” Alice then explained why she had left in the first place and Jasper knew that he was right, she also explained how she had felt the entire time. Jasper felt a flare of anger when Alice said that she did not know what to think because they had parted in anger when she left for England. “Why don’t we clarify this then Alice? Yes I made the choice to not believe you, but you made the choice to go to England. You made the choice to believe I could actually cheat on you.” Jasper felt himself loose control as he growled at himself and walked in a small circle before turning back to Alice. “Yes I fell for Lexi’s lies too, and there was a part of me that always wondered if I did or not.”

Jasper was not finished but he heard Alice speak again, "We all make mistakes and I know I made the biggest one of all when I allowed that human to make me believe you were ever unfaithful to me." Jasper put a hand over his mouth and thought for a moment before looking to Alice, “For me Alice I won’t lie to you and say I don’t love you. I think there will always be a part of me that loves you.” Jasper snorted and shook his head, “But I hate you for not believing in me.”

[Alice Cullen]

Alice felt her heart literally drop to the pit of her stomach as she heard Jasper declare that he hated her. She knew it was useless to go any further into explaining their situation because it would only add fuel to the fire that was started. They had both wronged the other and she knew that she regretted ever hurting him by not believing he was innocent the entire time. Yet, the bigger part of herself still deeply loved him and was in love with him. Placing her hand over her mouth to keep from screaming, she composed herself enough to look at him again. Her eyes were wide and her heart laying wide open for all the world to see. "I'm...sorry Jasper. For everything I have ever done to wrong you."

Taking a breath, she pulled her thoughts together again. Looking at Jasper, she saw a glimpse of the man she fell in love with all those years ago. And despite all they had endured the last year, she still loved him. He was the very man who knew her better than she knew herself and vice versa. "But know that I'm not giving up," she said softly. "I know that the Jasper I love is right here. We've both been through hell, you more so than I, but I still want to be with you. And I will wait for you because I'm not going anywhere." Alice had already made up her mind. There was no one else in the world she loved more than Jasper Whitlock Hale and if she had to wait for eternity, then she would.